Regrets , we all have them.

I hate feeling regretful, but here are some things I regret in some way or another : 

  1. Not being there for my mother more as she battled cancer. 
  2. Not having goals when I was younger
  3. Not saving money when I was able to and instead splurging on unnecessary things.
  4. Getting an epidural when giving birth to Sophia. 
  5. Wasting my time on people who don’t matter. 
  6. Not learning how to cook early on. Especially when I had my mother around. 
  7. Wanting to grow up quickly.

Ooooh sh*!

I forgot to pay the car note last month !!!! What’s worse is that I spent the money thinking I had extra money in my account for fun ! Big mistake !!! 

Our truck is under my boyfriend’s name and his mom. Some of our mail is still going to our previous address which is his parents house. Since the letter had her name on it she opened it and called us tonight asking if we were having money problems and if we need money to pay the truck because she received a letter that it has not been paid. How absolutely embarrassing. To me at least. Edgardo came into the room and asked me if I had paid the car and I said oh s!!t. I completely forgot to. I normally don’t have time to get on the computer , I take care of all my bills through my phone and that’s the one bill I do online on my laptop. 

I quickly realized I had screwed us over because I only had the money for next month’s rent and like $50 extra. So I told him the amount I had and he’s like well where the money I gave you for the car payment? And I’m like I don’t think you gave it to me. I was in disbelief that I could have possibly spent a car payment when I don’t even go out and shop. So I’m looking through my bank statement, but I was so in shock about it all and the kids are talking to us and Camila won’t stay still that I couldn’t even concentrate on my bank statements. So I quickly just look at the deposits for the month and add those up because I’m still sitting there thinking he couldn’t have given me enough money to pay the car. So we add the deposits and it does leave us with $200 left over and he’s wondering where it went. 

I get online to pay the car and he leaves the room .I can tell he’s stressed and becoming angry. I told him to calm down and I’m signing in to pay the car. He’s freaking out and asking me what money I’m going to use to pay it. I told him I have some cash I put away and I could deposit tomorrow but I would for now use the money for next month’s rent. 

So there the car is paid. With the cash I had put away I really only took $80 from the rent money and we would have to make up for. But to him it was still unacceptable. I go downstairs to get the baby from him and tell him that there is no point on getting angry. He says well I want to know where the $200 went or how did they disappear. I said “ok I’ll print out bank statements and you could look to see why it all did not add up.” I also asked him to deposit the cash to my account and he replied that he’s going to stay really late at work tomorrow so he doesn’t want to stop at the bank after. Since I realized he wasn’t going to cheer up in anyway tonight I just went upstairs and put the baby to sleep. 

Once the baby was asleep I logged in to my bank account and looked to see where I had spent this money and how much he really gave me. Once I was able to clear that out I sent him a text message so he can read when he is awake for work to where I was wrong in spending money and also that what he gave me was not enough. We are both at fault. 

After being shocked about it all I felt so helpless. Helpless because I don’t bring in any income and in a moment like this I can’t help. I don’t like to see him stress over money and when he does again I feel helpless. 

After feeling helpless I started to look on the brighter side and feel like we should be thankful. Thankful that we had that extra cash that I was saving for a rainy day or just letting it pile up as another savings stash. Also thankful that he has a job where they let him work overtime and that helps out a lot. I fully understand that he doesn’t want to work more than 8-9 hours a day , who does? But he is able to put in 4-5 hours overtime if he wants to. I think that’s something to be thankful for. 

What a night it has been. I really hope I never forget to pay the car note again. I’ll still feel helpless until the day I can work again, but for now I have to stay dedicated and thankful for being a stay at home mom. 

No favouritism !

I took my daughter’s ,Sophia,  favorite blanket away before bed tonight because she shook her baby sister and pushed her down. It was all play for her but turned out hurting Camila and causing her to cry. Also made me really upset that she did that. I yelled at her to go to her room and picked up the baby from the floor. I calmed the baby down and I sat back down at our dinner table where I was enjoying a slice of cheesecake with my sister before it all happened. Edgardo , father of my kids/ boyfriend, was washing dishes. He said nothing. I felt as if I over reacted or was I the only one that thought what Sophia did was wrong?

I went up to check on Sophia and she was sitting on her bunk. Her birthday is right around the corner. I told her that with all the bad behavior that has been happening recently with her that I would cancel her birthday trip to Six Flags if she didn’t start behaving. I went back downstairs and still nothing from Edgardo. So I asked him if he was going to say anything and he replied “you already handled it.”

My sister was still there but getting ready to leave since it got a bit awkward. When she got up Edgardo went to the bathroom and was going to shave. So she asked me if I wanted to talk about it ? I couldn’t help but break down a little bit. I felt stupid , like a bad mom and just frustrated from having to yell at my kids everyday. I couldn’t even enjoy a slice of cheesecake without having to tell my kids not to do something. If it’s not one kid it’s another. It’s usually Camila who won’t let me eat because she wants to be in my arms all the time, but she was fine and playing on the floor and Sophia came and had to bother her.

My sister left and the baby and I went up to our room. I sat her in her crib so that I could put some clothes away. Then I put her to sleep. Edgardo was in the shower while I was putting the baby to sleep , but after he was out of the shower he came to ask me why I took Sophia’s blanket away. I told him that grounding her isn’t working and isn’t teaching her a lesson, but also that I didn’t want to argue so to take the blanket and give it to her. He grabbed the blanket and then asked me if he can ask me something without me getting mad. So he asked ” why do you favor Diego and the baby ? Why are you so mean to Sophia?” I was honestly hurt by his question. I said I don’t favor anyone. He said that my sister’s notice it and he notices that I’m meaner to her. Again I said I don’t think I am.

I really don’t think I am. My daughter Sophia is definitely a more active child. She likes to do cartwheels in the living room and just do things without thinking. She has a lot of energy, more then what I can keep up with. Unfortunately, with the baby I barely have energy for myself and that makes it difficult for me to keep up with my older two.

I am hurt tonight by being accused of favouritism.

My dear Sophia, I love you as much as I love Diego and Camila. I carried all three of you in my womb and loved you guys before I even met you guys. You were my first little girl. I wanted a little girl so badly and I was blessed with you. I hope you never feel belittled by me because that is never my intention. I love you Janette Sophia !!! IMG_20170615_193753_275.jpg

 

Breastfeeding

Snapchat-709963295Today I woke up feeling like I didn’t get a second of rest. All of my body down to the tips of my fingers hurt. I sleep so close to the edge of the bed so that my baby gets more room on the bed.

Camila still does not sleep through the night and won’t go back to sleep unless I nurse her. I co-sleep, it’s Camila and I on a queen size bed. I chose to co-sleep to make breastfeeding easier. I’m not allowed to toss and turn on the bed. Not allowed to spread myself. So my body feels so tense. Back in April I went to the ER because of major back pain. I couldn’t even move from how bad the pain felt. It turns out my spine is pinching my nerves. I haven’t gone to see a doctor, but I know I have to go sooner then later. I decided to sacrifice and deal with the pain so that I can continue breastfeeding. I wasn’t ready at that time to stop.

Breastfeeding , breastfeeding , breastfeeding. There is so much pressure out there to breastfeed. Even more pressure to exclusively breastfeed. Also, I have felt competition on breastfeeding. Why? I don’t know.

I breastfed Diego and Sophia both for 4 weeks. However , with Camila it has been 8 months and 1 week. I never thought I could make it this far since breastfeeding is so difficult at the beginning. Turns out it’s just as difficult to end it.

In the beginning it’s the latching on that makes it difficult . Also it’s painful and also it’s like 24/7 nursing. On top of that you are extremely sleep deprived. When the baby is born everyone wants to come out and visit mom and meet the new baby. Everyone also wants to help in anyway, but why do I feel like I need more help now then before. Now that I want to stop breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding comes with so many benefits for mom and baby. Reading all about them encouraged me to keep on going. It was (still is) amazing for me to see my baby grow from the milk I provide for her. It’s such a great feeling to be able to birth a baby and be able to provide the nutrition the baby needs. I chose to breastfeed for as long as I could because I wanted the experience. I gave up so fast on my other two babies and didn’t want to give up on my third and last baby.  I now feel like I can truly call myself a breastfeeding mom and understand all the hardships, rewards and the experience of it all.

Camila will be 9 months in a few weeks and I want to wean her off. It is becoming painful with her teeth coming in, and I’m ready to be able to sleep better , I’m ready to go see the doctor for my back problem and ready for some freedom. I think we have both done an excellent job with this experience.

I am reading tips and tricks online on how to make the weaning not painful for either of us. I wish I did have a helping hand, but I know if I’m determined enough I can do it on my own.

Please wish me luck !

I would also like to say weather a baby is breast fed or bottle fed , as long as the baby is being fed and loved , stop giving moms such a hard time. To those moms who choose to breastfeed and need help , ask for it and don’t give up if it’s something you really want to do. To those moms who choose to bottle feed you are also great moms. There are many reasons why moms choose to bottle feed and whatever the reason may be her decision should be respected.

Wish I could go into more detail on this blog , but my baby is fussy today so this is all I could write for now. She is up from her nap ! Bye for now.

A mother of three , I cannot be !

That is what I use to say. Actually , I had said no more kids after the first one because of how hard everything was. Here I am though, one boy and two girls later.

My world is crazy different now with three kids. I had my baby girl, Camila, in October of 2016. It was just my son Diego and daughter Sophia for 6 years. They say that 2 kids feels like 20 , but honestly it wasn’t until I had Camila that my life changed.

Having three kids meant that I could no longer work and that the father of my kids would have to work two jobs to balance us financially. It’s not at all fun because I felt like a single mom when he worked his seasonal second job. It also meant that I had to give all my time to my kids. Not that it should be otherwise , but when I mean all my time I really mean 24/7. No more going to work , no more hanging out with friends and no more running an errand or two alone. Since October I have not been away from my kids for more than 3-4 hours. Not 3-4 hours a day but 3-4 hours a month ! If I’m lucky. Sometimes I only get 1-2 hours a month.

I love my kids. I would give my life for them, but this mama is tired ! I do sometimes think how is it that I’m a mom of three? I love to sleep , I love time alone , I love to go on adventures and I just simply love having some freedom. That all went out the window! (For now at least. I hope.)

Anyway, not only do I think about myself, but sometimes I wonder if I’m even doing a good job as a mom. Do I give each of them enough of my time? Can I manage to raise all three of them right , to be good people? I’m sure I’m not the only mom out there to question herself or doubt herself. Having kids is hard. Trying to be a good mom is even harder and oh so exhausting.

Reality is that I am grateful for them and I am doing my very best.

I love my babies. I have been blessed. Three different little personalities with kind hearts to call mine.

A mom of three , YES THAT’S ME! PhotoGrid_1496382016642.jpg