No favouritism !

I took my daughter’s ,Sophia,  favorite blanket away before bed tonight because she shook her baby sister and pushed her down. It was all play for her but turned out hurting Camila and causing her to cry. Also made me really upset that she did that. I yelled at her to go to her room and picked up the baby from the floor. I calmed the baby down and I sat back down at our dinner table where I was enjoying a slice of cheesecake with my sister before it all happened. Edgardo , father of my kids/ boyfriend, was washing dishes. He said nothing. I felt as if I over reacted or was I the only one that thought what Sophia did was wrong?

I went up to check on Sophia and she was sitting on her bunk. Her birthday is right around the corner. I told her that with all the bad behavior that has been happening recently with her that I would cancel her birthday trip to Six Flags if she didn’t start behaving. I went back downstairs and still nothing from Edgardo. So I asked him if he was going to say anything and he replied “you already handled it.”

My sister was still there but getting ready to leave since it got a bit awkward. When she got up Edgardo went to the bathroom and was going to shave. So she asked me if I wanted to talk about it ? I couldn’t help but break down a little bit. I felt stupid , like a bad mom and just frustrated from having to yell at my kids everyday. I couldn’t even enjoy a slice of cheesecake without having to tell my kids not to do something. If it’s not one kid it’s another. It’s usually Camila who won’t let me eat because she wants to be in my arms all the time, but she was fine and playing on the floor and Sophia came and had to bother her.

My sister left and the baby and I went up to our room. I sat her in her crib so that I could put some clothes away. Then I put her to sleep. Edgardo was in the shower while I was putting the baby to sleep , but after he was out of the shower he came to ask me why I took Sophia’s blanket away. I told him that grounding her isn’t working and isn’t teaching her a lesson, but also that I didn’t want to argue so to take the blanket and give it to her. He grabbed the blanket and then asked me if he can ask me something without me getting mad. So he asked ” why do you favor Diego and the baby ? Why are you so mean to Sophia?” I was honestly hurt by his question. I said I don’t favor anyone. He said that my sister’s notice it and he notices that I’m meaner to her. Again I said I don’t think I am.

I really don’t think I am. My daughter Sophia is definitely a more active child. She likes to do cartwheels in the living room and just do things without thinking. She has a lot of energy, more then what I can keep up with. Unfortunately, with the baby I barely have energy for myself and that makes it difficult for me to keep up with my older two.

I am hurt tonight by being accused of favouritism.

My dear Sophia, I love you as much as I love Diego and Camila. I carried all three of you in my womb and loved you guys before I even met you guys. You were my first little girl. I wanted a little girl so badly and I was blessed with you. I hope you never feel belittled by me because that is never my intention. I love you Janette Sophia !!! IMG_20170615_193753_275.jpg

 

Drifting apart…

Can it be that I’m on one boat and he’s on another and we are now drifting apart? Like the picture below. Sooo dramatic huh? But it’s real life and what it currently feels like.

Screenshot_2017-07-12-00-19-16-1.png

I stay at home with the kids and he works 10-12 hour days. When he comes home he washes dishes or holds the baby for a little bit or takes a nap. A one to two hour nap. He wakes up and we eat and spend the day cleaning up or running errands. Then we will watch some tv with the kids, wash some more dishes, take showers, make sure the kids take showers , make sure the kids clean their room and prepare for bed. In between all of that I’m nursing the baby or changing her diaper or putting her down for a nap then putting her to sleep. What I just described is our normal routine of the week. On weekends we wake up have some breakfast play with the baby, clean up some more and we normally have a birthday or some sort of event to attend. The weekend means family time pretty much.

So that has been us for a while. No time for just him and I. Our last date night was back in April. We had dinner at Olive garden and then went home decor shopping since we were moving in to our new rental May 1st. We were out for two hours that night. That was the last time we were alone.

Every now and then I think how this may be affecting our relationship. We don’t sleep on the same bed and we haven’t been intimate for 10 months now. Yup! No intimacy in 10 months !!!

I think it is time for us to start pulling in our boats closer together because I want to feel like we have a relationship and that parenting is not all we do. The question is how can we spend time together when the baby is so dependent of me? She will only go one to two hours without me. I mean I guess that is time we can still take advantage of. Hopefully, we can soon.

Breastfeeding

Snapchat-709963295Today I woke up feeling like I didn’t get a second of rest. All of my body down to the tips of my fingers hurt. I sleep so close to the edge of the bed so that my baby gets more room on the bed.

Camila still does not sleep through the night and won’t go back to sleep unless I nurse her. I co-sleep, it’s Camila and I on a queen size bed. I chose to co-sleep to make breastfeeding easier. I’m not allowed to toss and turn on the bed. Not allowed to spread myself. So my body feels so tense. Back in April I went to the ER because of major back pain. I couldn’t even move from how bad the pain felt. It turns out my spine is pinching my nerves. I haven’t gone to see a doctor, but I know I have to go sooner then later. I decided to sacrifice and deal with the pain so that I can continue breastfeeding. I wasn’t ready at that time to stop.

Breastfeeding , breastfeeding , breastfeeding. There is so much pressure out there to breastfeed. Even more pressure to exclusively breastfeed. Also, I have felt competition on breastfeeding. Why? I don’t know.

I breastfed Diego and Sophia both for 4 weeks. However , with Camila it has been 8 months and 1 week. I never thought I could make it this far since breastfeeding is so difficult at the beginning. Turns out it’s just as difficult to end it.

In the beginning it’s the latching on that makes it difficult . Also it’s painful and also it’s like 24/7 nursing. On top of that you are extremely sleep deprived. When the baby is born everyone wants to come out and visit mom and meet the new baby. Everyone also wants to help in anyway, but why do I feel like I need more help now then before. Now that I want to stop breastfeeding.

Breastfeeding comes with so many benefits for mom and baby. Reading all about them encouraged me to keep on going. It was (still is) amazing for me to see my baby grow from the milk I provide for her. It’s such a great feeling to be able to birth a baby and be able to provide the nutrition the baby needs. I chose to breastfeed for as long as I could because I wanted the experience. I gave up so fast on my other two babies and didn’t want to give up on my third and last baby.  I now feel like I can truly call myself a breastfeeding mom and understand all the hardships, rewards and the experience of it all.

Camila will be 9 months in a few weeks and I want to wean her off. It is becoming painful with her teeth coming in, and I’m ready to be able to sleep better , I’m ready to go see the doctor for my back problem and ready for some freedom. I think we have both done an excellent job with this experience.

I am reading tips and tricks online on how to make the weaning not painful for either of us. I wish I did have a helping hand, but I know if I’m determined enough I can do it on my own.

Please wish me luck !

I would also like to say weather a baby is breast fed or bottle fed , as long as the baby is being fed and loved , stop giving moms such a hard time. To those moms who choose to breastfeed and need help , ask for it and don’t give up if it’s something you really want to do. To those moms who choose to bottle feed you are also great moms. There are many reasons why moms choose to bottle feed and whatever the reason may be her decision should be respected.

Wish I could go into more detail on this blog , but my baby is fussy today so this is all I could write for now. She is up from her nap ! Bye for now.

A mother of three , I cannot be !

That is what I use to say. Actually , I had said no more kids after the first one because of how hard everything was. Here I am though, one boy and two girls later.

My world is crazy different now with three kids. I had my baby girl, Camila, in October of 2016. It was just my son Diego and daughter Sophia for 6 years. They say that 2 kids feels like 20 , but honestly it wasn’t until I had Camila that my life changed.

Having three kids meant that I could no longer work and that the father of my kids would have to work two jobs to balance us financially. It’s not at all fun because I felt like a single mom when he worked his seasonal second job. It also meant that I had to give all my time to my kids. Not that it should be otherwise , but when I mean all my time I really mean 24/7. No more going to work , no more hanging out with friends and no more running an errand or two alone. Since October I have not been away from my kids for more than 3-4 hours. Not 3-4 hours a day but 3-4 hours a month ! If I’m lucky. Sometimes I only get 1-2 hours a month.

I love my kids. I would give my life for them, but this mama is tired ! I do sometimes think how is it that I’m a mom of three? I love to sleep , I love time alone , I love to go on adventures and I just simply love having some freedom. That all went out the window! (For now at least. I hope.)

Anyway, not only do I think about myself, but sometimes I wonder if I’m even doing a good job as a mom. Do I give each of them enough of my time? Can I manage to raise all three of them right , to be good people? I’m sure I’m not the only mom out there to question herself or doubt herself. Having kids is hard. Trying to be a good mom is even harder and oh so exhausting.

Reality is that I am grateful for them and I am doing my very best.

I love my babies. I have been blessed. Three different little personalities with kind hearts to call mine.

A mom of three , YES THAT’S ME! PhotoGrid_1496382016642.jpg